Awakening to Sacred Desire

Today, as a psychotherapist, I received a truly thought-provoking question. But I believe many people carry similar questions and simply don’t dare to ask – not even a therapist.

QUESTION:
Dear Sir,
I need your help because I’m in a process that’s shaking me deeply.

Throughout my life, I have perceived sexuality mainly as a basic need – something that helped me release tension, reconnect with my body, or simply fulfill a functional role within a relationship. I never truly thought about pleasure in its deeper sense.

But something has changed. I met a woman who awakened in me, for the first time, a genuine desire for pleasure. It’s no longer just a need – it’s a profound longing for connection, exploration, tenderness, even spiritual merging.

And that’s exactly what’s causing me inner turmoil.

As I began discovering this new dimension of myself, a flood of difficult emotions came with it: shame, inferiority, possessiveness, fear of loss, jealousy…
I feel like we met on completely different levels – if I refer to Stern’s Scale of Sexual Development (Sensual Movement by Natasa Stern), she’s at the top, while I’m still near the bottom, functioning on a basic survival level.
She loves through freedom and awareness; I’m only just discovering that pleasure even exists.

And precisely because she is the one I’d like to grow and explore with, my entire focus centers on her. But that’s also why all the pain and feelings of inadequacy get projected onto her – as if she were responsible for my internal storms.

I know this isn’t the right approach, and I know the answer lies within me.

I feel suffocated – not because of her, but because of my own inner limitations. I also realize that the more I learn to feel my body and accept pleasure as something safe, the less pain I will feel in response to her words, her experiences, and her freedom.

So, how can I process this?

How do I transition from sexuality as a basic need to a conscious, free, and fully embodied experience – without constantly being blinded by negative projections and feelings of helplessness?

Thank you for any guidance you can offer.

ANSWER:
Your message reveals a profound internal shift – a transition from survival-based sexuality toward pleasure, connection, and freedom. In this process, it is completely natural that shadows, fears, shame, and feelings of unworthiness begin to surface.
The birth of desire for true pleasure often reveals everything that has kept us from it until now.

Your situation can be understood and healthily addressed through a combination of Stern’s Scale of Sexual Awareness and the Sirius Personal Transformation (SPT-) framework.

Here is your roadmap to healing:

Stern’s Scale of Sexual Awareness (Sensual Movement by Natasa Stern)

Basic Need Level: Sex as a way to relieve tension or fulfill duty.
Pleasure Level (your current threshold): The first true desire for sex to mean more – pleasure, presence, connection.
Spiritual Union Level (what you perceive in her): Sexuality as a sacred space for ego dissolution and complete unity.

How SPT Guides You Through This Inner Transformation:

1. Personal Wounding – Identify the Source of Your Feelings

Your sensations of suffocation, emotional storms, and intense projections onto her aren’t signs that something is wrong with you – they are echoes of past wounds, where you may have experienced shame, rejection, loneliness, or a lack of acceptance when you sought closeness.
📝 Write down: “What suffocates me is not her – it’s an old memory.”
👉 Practice: Each time a strong emotion arises, separate it from the present moment. Tell yourself: “This isn’t her. This is my shadow.”

2. Personal Soothing – Accept Where You Are

Be gentle with yourself. Your current level of experiencing sexuality isn’t inferior – it was simply the only way you knew how to survive. Now, you are opening.
👉 Practice: Each evening, write down three thoughts that acknowledge your growth.
E.g., “Today I allowed myself to feel pleasure without guilt.”

3. Personal Clearing – Free Yourself From Old Beliefs

You likely grew up believing that pleasure is shameful, dangerous, or immoral. Maybe you were taught that a “real man” must be strong, solid, emotionless. So now, as you long for intimacy and pleasure, your inner system sends out warning signals.
👉 Practice: List all your beliefs about sexuality. Then, begin rewriting them.
Instead of “Pleasure is a sin,” write “Pleasure is the freedom of my body and soul.”

4. Personal Goal – Why Do You Want Pleasure?

The desire for pleasure isn’t just physical – it’s about connection, openness, life. This woman became your mirror – she shows you what’s possible.
👉 Practice: Formulate a personal goal related to sexuality.
E.g., “I want to experience sexuality as a conscious, free, and loving expression.”

5. Letting Go of Personality Habits – Don’t Control, Just Open

In the beginning, you might feel tempted to cling to the person who awakened you. But that’s not love – that’s attachment.
👉 Practice: When jealousy or suffocation arises, don’t seek answers in her – turn inward. Breathe. Let yourself feel without judgment.

6. Strategy – A New Way of Connecting

This phase is about learning to express your needs without guilt.
It’s not about matching her level – it’s about walking your path, where she’s not the destination but a companion.
👉 Practice: Have a conversation with her without expectations.
Speak about your process, not what she should be doing.

7. Integration – Love Without Ownership

As you repeat this process, your wounds will begin to heal. Eventually, you’ll be able to experience pleasure without being overwhelmed.
And then you’ll realize – your freedom doesn’t depend on her, but on your own inner wholeness.
👉 Practice: Visualize yourself in a relationship where you feel joy, freedom, and aliveness – regardless of whether you are with her or not. That is your true power.

Final thought:

What’s hurting you now is the threshold of your own rebirth.
This isn’t the end – it’s the beginning. She opened a door to a new dimension of you – but the journey is yours to walk.
And once you are free in your pleasure, you will finally be able to love – her, yourself, and life itself.